capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
