Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
