it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
