My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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