For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
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The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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