I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
