i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
All I want is dick and wine.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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