the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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