I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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