someone threw a dead crab at me
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
