He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
