If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
