We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
