Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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