: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
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Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
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Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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