It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.