Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
