she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
