At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
