You just made me feel so damn special
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
