Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
