Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
