one might say we're banned from that church
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
