On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
