You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
