the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
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He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
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I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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