If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
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