Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
