i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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