you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
