dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
