I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
