i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
