My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
