Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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