he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
