in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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