in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
