i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
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I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
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Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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