Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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