Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
