Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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