I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
