I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
