First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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