We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
