he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You don't make any sense
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