I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
as a side note pls kill me
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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