Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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