I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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