I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
