I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
