I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
