arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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