I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
