So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
