Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
