Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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